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a_fools_errand) wrote2012-06-09 10:38 pm
a_fools_errand) wrote2012-06-09 10:38 pm
After Angels or Ordinary Men and Monsters, Supernatural, Gen
Title: After Angels (or Ordinary Men and Monsters)
Spoilers: Season 6?
Summary: It isn’t a case of trying to escape the darkness and weight of what he faced in the pit so much as trying to forget the beauty of Lucifer inside him, cool and soothing as a balm in the absence of which his cells are raw and bleeding, light as dust particles floating in sunshine that mock him with every tug of gravity on his heart.
A/N: Prompt “Supernatural; any vessel(s); After the angels... you'll never be okay again. But the alcohol helps.”
The demon blood was easy to forget about, compared to this. Thick and heavy, it had worked its way into every cell and wrenched him downwards. It had filled him with a tangible sort of power, a physical mass that both gave him strength and required strength to be carried. In that respect it wasn’t that much different from the rest of his life and the burden of a hunter’s knowledge, and that made it easier to understand and move on from. He’s used to mutilated things.
*
When he said yes, Sam expected pain, suffering and submission. He was only right about the submission, though, and when he gave up fighting Lucifer inside himself he was surprised by the lack of hurt. He suddenly understood Jimmy Novak’s lack of hesitation and his endurance. If he had known it would have felt this way – calm and peaceful and bright – he might have made this decision sooner and he might have been less afraid of doing it too. For the first time in his existence that he could remember, Sam felt weightless. Lucifer’s grace buoyed his soul and filled all the gaping holes that life had torn from him with light, and it was the best kind of high he had ever been on. He was grateful and relieved, when he realised that this was the way he would die.
*
Bobby and Dean and Castiel think that he is struggling with a disfigured soul when they hear the nightmare-screams and catch him drinking more than they do. In truth it is the memory of Lucifer’s grace that haunts Sam more than Lucifer’s torture. It isn’t a case of trying to escape the darkness and weight of what he faced in the pit so much as trying to forget the beauty of Lucifer inside him, cool and soothing as a balm in the absence of which his cells are raw and bleeding, light as dust particles floating in sunshine that mock him with every tug of gravity on his heart. Sam can’t look at Castiel without seeing Jimmy and hating him with every envy-green fibre of his battered body, and he can’t look away from Cas sometimes either, imagining he can feel the radiance seeping through the vessel’s skin, not as bright as the Devil’s but close enough that Sam wants to get on his knees and beg. He starts drinking every morning to try to recapture the buoyancy and subtle glow of the angel. He passes out each night carrying all his former burdens as well as the knowledge that this is as high as he will ever be again: constantly pulled towards the filthy earth, down in the dirt with ordinary men and monsters.
Spoilers: Season 6?
Summary: It isn’t a case of trying to escape the darkness and weight of what he faced in the pit so much as trying to forget the beauty of Lucifer inside him, cool and soothing as a balm in the absence of which his cells are raw and bleeding, light as dust particles floating in sunshine that mock him with every tug of gravity on his heart.
A/N: Prompt “Supernatural; any vessel(s); After the angels... you'll never be okay again. But the alcohol helps.”
The demon blood was easy to forget about, compared to this. Thick and heavy, it had worked its way into every cell and wrenched him downwards. It had filled him with a tangible sort of power, a physical mass that both gave him strength and required strength to be carried. In that respect it wasn’t that much different from the rest of his life and the burden of a hunter’s knowledge, and that made it easier to understand and move on from. He’s used to mutilated things.
*
When he said yes, Sam expected pain, suffering and submission. He was only right about the submission, though, and when he gave up fighting Lucifer inside himself he was surprised by the lack of hurt. He suddenly understood Jimmy Novak’s lack of hesitation and his endurance. If he had known it would have felt this way – calm and peaceful and bright – he might have made this decision sooner and he might have been less afraid of doing it too. For the first time in his existence that he could remember, Sam felt weightless. Lucifer’s grace buoyed his soul and filled all the gaping holes that life had torn from him with light, and it was the best kind of high he had ever been on. He was grateful and relieved, when he realised that this was the way he would die.
*
Bobby and Dean and Castiel think that he is struggling with a disfigured soul when they hear the nightmare-screams and catch him drinking more than they do. In truth it is the memory of Lucifer’s grace that haunts Sam more than Lucifer’s torture. It isn’t a case of trying to escape the darkness and weight of what he faced in the pit so much as trying to forget the beauty of Lucifer inside him, cool and soothing as a balm in the absence of which his cells are raw and bleeding, light as dust particles floating in sunshine that mock him with every tug of gravity on his heart. Sam can’t look at Castiel without seeing Jimmy and hating him with every envy-green fibre of his battered body, and he can’t look away from Cas sometimes either, imagining he can feel the radiance seeping through the vessel’s skin, not as bright as the Devil’s but close enough that Sam wants to get on his knees and beg. He starts drinking every morning to try to recapture the buoyancy and subtle glow of the angel. He passes out each night carrying all his former burdens as well as the knowledge that this is as high as he will ever be again: constantly pulled towards the filthy earth, down in the dirt with ordinary men and monsters.